I think I used to have a purpose..

Which is better? Depression, sadness, pain or just indifference? Here is an ordinary human schedule: You get up in the morning, have a shower, brush your teeth, have breakfast, go to work, have meaningless conversations with less interesting people then yourself, do job that is most likely you hate, go home, watch some TV, probably the news, take a second to think about all the suffering in the world, than you have some dinner and you go to bed. This is the greatest thing about an ordinary week day that the next day it all repeats again.
Is it disturbing that a 19 year old girl has no interest in life, doesn’t know what she wants to do with her life, doesn’t know what she is interested in and doesn’t want to have the “all American dream” as they call it: career, family, money and safety for her family and herself?
No I have no interest in that. I don’t suppose it’s that disturbing, I bet there are thousands of young girls that think the same way. That is most certainly not my problem. My problem is that I hate it all. I hate all the people that tell you how it should be, how it should go down. They! The inimitable, collective "Them."! In short-Society! They are always there looking, no, no-staring, always staring, waiting, not for your failure but for your fiasco. Sometimes I just stop and think “Am I fooling everybody?” but everyone thinks they are more exiting than they really are. So do I. But with time I realized things in life are mostly black and white. Sometimes in a few years maybe, more or less, I notice some shades of grey but all in all it’s all the same.
Though there is still one small reason for me to believe that They won’t get the last laugh. I think I still have a reason to fail big time but still have the tremendous courage to stand up with my head up high and smile, make Them wonder why I’m still hanging around. The reason is hilarious by the way, my reason is what They say that it will hit you, it could be ten minutes or it could be ten years from now but it will hit you. So what does an indifferent believer does? She waits for it to hit her!
“I don't know a lot about everything, but I do know a lot about the part of everything that I know, which is people.” I prefer not to give advice to people, mostly because They tend not to listen and that is most certainly understandable but if someone asks I answer because I knew the right answer. (don’t get me wrong I talk only human situations/experience/knowledge.) But you know how the coin has two sides? I've spent so much time thinking about the answers to the problems, that I forget what the actual problems actually were.
They said it’s going to be difficult and I most certainly believed Them but did They mention how hard it would be when you have no desire of not failing?

“There was this ordinary looking school somewhere in Mid United States. In this ordinary looking school used to teach an ordinary looking English teacher. And one ordinary looking day this ordinary looking teacher decided to give his students an extraordinary assignment. He told his students to write a 300 words essay on the topic “Describe your pencil”. Do you think anyone scored an actual A on this assignment? A girl within the whole class did. She wrote: “My pencil is underestimated. I think he used to have a purpose, but now he just obeys, he obeys all the orders the ordinary looking school faculty gives every single ordinary looking day.”.”

Yes, I have no desire of not failing, mostly because I have no teacher to give me an assignment to describe my pencil. Yes, I have no motivation. I don’t blame Them, no. I blame the part of Them that have no desire of motivating people that have no desire in success. I blame my self because I am close to being part of that inimitable, collective Them!